The Novel waiting to be read

Every person you meet is a novel. Some are difficult to read; others have pages ripped apart from past damage. Some even fabricated to fit a narrative that pertains to where they are now.

It’s been four years since I was cancer-free, today I shared it with people. There was a push back from within myself in fearing being judged. My cancer isn’t for anyone to understand; it is for me to have gratitude for life, and share a face that some people never get to see the winning side of cancer.

It was a blessing having a support system put into place. So many people fought to keep me alive. I don’t always show appreciation. I got lost in negative thinking. It’s hard when talking about the past. A big part of me understood what it was like going through everything. Don’t look to be understood; look to understand.

When I was battling cancer, my cousin died. His death was the first time I experience death after going through my cycle of destruction. I don’t want to get into too many details, and I finally understand what I didn’t want to be after seeing him die. I felt first hand his pain of being misunderstood, trying to be accepted by a society that would label him.

I am not making excuses for myself, nor am I justifying my action based on my experience. All I can speak of is that cancer wasn’t something easy it was a lot of numbing. I don’t know how I feel about still.

It’s been four long years, writing this now, I feel numb; there is nothing that the past can show me that I haven’t seen. If you are one of those people that tells someone to move past it you are better now, do me a favor think before you give advice. Feeling numb to something is okay.

When you become self-reflective on what made you the person you are today, where you go wrong is when you blame others for making you the way you are. You didn’t have a choice if you didn’t know any better. Just move past it and look for greater things. People you love will hurt you, and you will do the same that is all part of the process of self-discovery. You can go on living a life of never finding out who you are and die. Don’t die without realizing who you were and how this world will remember you.

You’re still here

Today I was thinking to myself, what is the point of doing anything if I am going to die one day. I then quickly told myself I am not dead yet. Won’t be dead for a while. I am here now and now is all I have.
After almost dying I was waiting to die without seeing what it was like living after almost dying. Everyone has an answer to a question that was never asked. I had an answer to my question that I never asked.
You can limit yourself to what you think you would be in a world that has endless opportunities.
There are always going to be good and bad in the world – without either, none would exist. The word exist is also the word being. Human which is us and being which in now makes a human being.
I am not fond of routine, structure, or planning. I am a big believer in trusting that whatever you set your mind to you will accomplish. I have learned how to master what I need; what Mouhamad Beydoun needs.
So many of us just exist forgetting about the human in us. We forget what it is like being a human. I try my hardest to be a good person. I am not always a nice guy… at times I give zero fucks and at other times I give the world my heart.
There are things that I need to start realizing: not everyone will understand what they want from the words or actions you let out, it is never your responsibility to change their mind or their viewpoint. You will lose too much of who you are. – Note to self
There are so many good people on this earth, we get blinded by the ugly, ugly will always outshine the good “if you allow it”.
If you were to talk to me six months ago, you would’ve thought I belonged in a mental health hospital. This thing called paranoia started to kick in. I was trusting people in thinking they could save me with me trying to save myself.
I still live with my parents, I still struggle to find a source of income to help me move out. However, I am doing what I love and doing what I want. Not a lot of people like to hear that because they never had the chance to really do whatever they wanted. Too stuck on thinking or waiting for other people’s opinion on them. I was one of those people.
I am always here to listen, I am always here to talk, I am always here with you at heart. Don’t rely on anyone saving you; save yourself. Show the world who you are raw and uncut, show the world a side of you that you want to be around at night when you are all alone and need that someone to tell you that everything will be okay.

Narcissism, Self-centered, Fraud, Fake.

Label me. I don’t really care anymore.

Speak opened minded, self-reflect on your own self. No one can save somebody that doesn’t want to save themselves.

Dear people, I don’t know who this will reach, I hope it reaches somebody that needs it the most.  We are all going through something in Life. I want to first thank the people who believed me in and I let them down.

Deep down somewhere in my heart lays a compassionate soul. There are many different layers under the surface of my being.

I am grateful enough to be where I am now. I have one of the best families in the world and it’s time I start doing for them what they did for me.

Sometimes Parents can be confusing, they don’t listen, they try and discipline you, ten years too late. They always have their best intentions at heart. Somewhere in life, we get hurt mentally, and then we stop growing emotionally.

Hurting doesn’t need to be forever, hurting stop when you figure out that sometimes, we need to self-reflect on what really matters.

Self-reflecting isn’t always blaming yourself, it’s accepting that you are human, it’s telling yourself that nothing in the past will define who you are today.

I try and talk about being yourself, We are all one race at the end of the day separated by religion and dumb politics, we are divided. Seeing end of life makes you not be able to see current life at times.

I am good where I am right now. What I don’t understand is someone who is positive 24/7, find me a person that is happy all year round. I’ll find you a million who aren’t. I give credit to those who mask their pain. Life is all pain. We one day will die, our energy will never die but we will. Masking is like trying to dry a surface with wet paper, it will just make everything messier.

BTW I am not the best writer, I am good at expressing myself. I’ll make it one day.

ps. Introduce yourself, I would love to get to know you guys.

Double sided conversation.

Knock knock!

Who’s there ?

Me.

Me, who?

It’s me, you. The person that has been with you for the last 27 years of your life. Can you let me in?

No.

What do you mean no?

I said NO!!

Why do you always do this?

Do what?

This.

Can you just leave me alone?

No, I can’t leave you alone. I let you be for a little while and now it’s time to man up and get your shit together.

What do you mean by get my shit together? I have it together.

You do?

Yes.

Can you explain to me how then do you have it together, if all you have been doing for the past three years is just waste our time. I get that people and experiences hurt you but you need to let that shit shape you instead. Let me tell you a story about yourself that no one will understand. You are different. In being different, that means you’re special, not everyone will get you, and not every needs to get you. You have everything and everyone around you to support you. Stop acting like a spoiled little child for once. I get that you went through a lot and I am not just saying that to make you feel better. I experienced it with you. I saw how hard you fought. You took over for a while, and now it’s my turn to take back who I am. There are parts of you love and some parts that are no longer needed. If you can find some moderation in your life, maybe, just maybe you will be okay.

Listen… stop thinking that you won this fight. I did.

We both did.

don’t count the days, make the days count

Manifest what you want out to the world.

A couple of years back I purposed to my fiancé. Impulsive but rational impulsive decision, here the thing I just got my clean bill of health and with that, I knew that death was near and that what I once lived for was now all put behind. Every year I would make a false promise or fake new years resolutions. Whether it was quitting smoking or losing weight. I would always fail because after Jan 1st my hope for change was gone because life started to become normal. One year, losing weight and quitting smoking came by force. It didn’t come by choice but came with the desire to live. One year, I wanted to quit so bad, and instead of doing it the normal way, the universe showed me that false promises get you nowhere. Lying to yourself gets you nowhere.

I remember my first ever new years back home from the hospital after I was given my clean bill of health. Extremely tired that night. I remember that night just like it was this year’s new years. I remember the jackpot of the mega millions was the largest ever. That day I had 20 dollars to my name and bought me 20 tickets. I knew that my chances were slim to none but I had a really real feeling for that quick minute. I tried for a second to plan out my life with all the money and what it would do for me. It made me want to push really hard to work for a future to payback the people that gave me everything. My first time ever really keeping a new years resolution tradition started 3 years ago.

In 2016 I almost lost that same very pretty green-eyed girl that I have plastered all over. In 2016 I learned that I took adverting of people that loved me. I was getting too comfortable living in the cancer stage that I never really saw tough love. This got really hard when I started seeing everyone as an enemy rather than a person that cares. When you come from a place of hurt and put out of your norm, you begin to experience things that make no sense to you. A perfect example is one summer, my family and I were driving up to the Poconos, but I was feeling so disconnected from the very people that sat with me by my bedside. I just felt so much hate and anger towards the smallest things. Also, in 2016, cancer wasn’t the problem anymore. That same year, I made a promise that in 2017, I would try and figure out all of my lost emotions. 2017 was probably my greatest year in just figuring out who I am as an adult, as a man. My whole life I was impulsive, but 2017 was impulse mixed with anger; leading to figuring out how to slow it down. Sometimes it takes breaking down to your core to reshape your whole perspective and realize that you’re the problem. The world won’t change for you, but you can change the world. I had dreams that were once valuable to me taken away and it brought me to an unknown world – the cancer world where I learned that everyone experiences similar things.

What ringing in this year taught me is that you don’t have to wait for a new year to start the “new me” mentality. When you wait for a certain date to take action, you’re setting yourself up for failure. This world’s rotation is what keeps you grounded, so you trying to stop that or change that just wouldn’t make any sense. I also just want to say embrace the people that love you and if they impacted you, make sure to tell them that. I have learned that time is very limited and cannot be reversed so really start implementing change now for that tomorrow may never come.

Rest In Peace Amanda, Jeremy

WALKING AWAY TO FIND HAPPINESS

WHAT IS FAILURE ?

What defines failure? You can look at it as being one of two things: failure or a come-up to your success. A month and a half ago, I was in the midst of finally starting to get my life back together. For the first time in a really long time, I felt like me again & not a cancer victim who was focusing on the hiccups of life.

Avoiding from failure !

There’s no real way of teaching someone how to live their life … I say this because you are told at childhood to never lie and if you lie, you will then be judged and/or punished. Now, can I ask a serious question? Isn’t a child pure life? Pure life wouldn’t understand what lying is unless told not to – which can then make them feel watched over or judged/misunderstood. I know a lot of the time I don’t make sense but if you look at the words on this screen you may realize that we, the people that control our thoughts, become our biggest problems and are blinded by our own beauty

DON’T LET FAILURE DEFINE YOU

When one door closes, another door will open. The saying that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side isn’t always true. If the grass that you’re playing on hasn’t been watered, for example. I say this because this past January, I was finally able to start living my life. I found my career path, I went on eye-opening trips, and people were starting to see me for me. But life was still way too real. Here I am, at the age of 26, looking and feeling so different/insecure, but at the same time so determined to just prove to myself that nothing life throws at me would ever be defined as failure. However, until you learn to rise above the situation, you will feel like a failure. About three months ago, I parted ways with an institution that just simply didn’t understand me. The mix-up with people at times is that they would rather dismiss something we don’t understand rather than embracing it for what it is. I was very forward and honest with a lot of my feelings and experiences, as I have been post-cancer. Some people got me for me, and others didn’t. Let me explain what 2017 has been like for me. In February, after being in this institution for about a month, I forgot how toxic and misunderstanding people can be. I came off an ultimate high of recieving sympathy and compassion, to now feeling the force/weight of the world in my throat by having to live up to so many expectations (including those of my own). I knew I was dealing with a real problem and I didn’t ignore it. This is where the story gets “funny.”  Going back to what I was saying about 2017, I found my way into radiography school. I understood through that experience that my feelings and emotions were way too real. I remember going up to one of the people at this institution telling them that I get emotional listening to patient experiences just because I’m so grateful to finally be on the other side. Three days later, I get called in for a mandatory counseling session. At first, I was very combative against it. Later on, I tried to understand their reasoning. I figured out that this place was simply a means to get what I needed, not a place that I can go around sharing my thoughts and feelings. That very same day, knowing how much it meant to my family and I, I decided I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of my success. I remember speaking to my angel, which is someone I got connected to because he had experienced something similar to me. He told me about Stupid Cancer (like Comic Con but full of cancer survivors and caregivers) and I knew I needed these connections with people who just understood my feelings without much explaining. I gained so many great resources from some of the vendors that were there. For a brief time, I felt very alive. Soon after, that feeling diminished and just like that, feelings of being misunderstood arose again. I continued on being very honest and true with my feelings and felt that they were too real at times. The good thing about it all is that I know when to disconnect. In August, I walked away from it all thinking that I failed and that I let everyone down. That very same day, I made a very impulsive decision – buying a puppy who I named Chester. He taught me a lot of lessons but the only one I want to talk about today is the lesson of commitment. He taught me how to stay commited. For the very first time now, I was responsible for a life other than my own – that noone else wanted but me. The reason why I say he taught me committment is because prior to Chester and prior to cancer, I was always someone who bought things/returned them as I pleased. I’m not blaming this on my parents, or anyone but myself, but my upbringings in life were to always be given what I wanted. I wasn’t spoiled, but I never had to work hard for the things I wanted. When I first got Chester, I even contemplated bringing him back too. I was so embarassed of myself for not knowing what I wanted from life and I felt guilty. I realized I can’t live this life self-driven and have to learn to commit to my decisions. And I’m so glad I did. Now, every single day, I wake up – not to feed myself first, but to feed my new best friend. This has helped me learn how to commit, and love, both him and people. I’m not sure if anyone would be able to relate to me, but we all go through our ups and downs in life. It’s what you do with the downs that will define who you are.

I don’t want to allow an unfortunate situation to define me. That’s why that same week, I also applied to a First Descent trip to Oregon, which is a trip for cancer survivors funded by this amazing organization. This trip also tested my commitment and taught me that it’s okay to be me. I was given this week-long trip after recieving one of the worst piece of news, which seems like a great opportunity to jump on, but failure was killing me on the inside. The pain of failure that I felt by letting down my loved ones was blinding me from life, and the people on this trip understood that.

My first few days in Oregon were tough because I felt like I wanted to turn around and go back home. I felt misunderstood, without even giving others the chance to understand me. I remember one of my worst breakdowns there was w Pika, one of the lead staff members. She saw me at one of my worst moments – eyes bulging out, tears running down, self-hate exploding with every word. At the end of all that, she told me I was powerful and had a great voice. We hugged and I was able to enjoy the rest of my day and turn it into something I never dared to do before – try crabs. One of my biggest accomplishments was vlogging the entire trip, and ignoring the judgement of other people for trying to record my every move and memory. I did it to diminish my self-doubt – to prove to myself that I could do it. The results were fantastic. Here’s where my lesson of commitment came into play – instead of running back home, I challenged myself to stick around and through that, I was able to experience a different kind of culture and way of living – and it felt great. This trip, in general, taught me how to challenge myself everyday and learn how to accept something new into my life. These lessons are ones I will take with me on any future endeavor. With all that, I really want to let out that failure is just masking itself as commitment because commitment will challenge you through failure by wanting to see how determined you are in not letting it define you.