Dear ***

*** are there ? I need to talk to you about somethings. I feel sheltered in my this body of mine. Am I not capable of loving. I distant myself from you. I saw myself in you. So many people throwing out this false image of what you are. This world has turned to shit. As a kid I always wondered what you were. The older I got the more I realized that you are inside of us all.

Where did you go ?

Lost love.
I went to the lost and found the other day looking for you.
They said they never heard of you.
They asked me if I could describe you.
I drew blank.
They asked me when was it that I last saw you.
I drew blank.
I left looking for you.
Found that I was creating hate in the search for you.
Building up false images of what I thought you were.
I don’t even know when was the last time I remember feeling you.
Feeling that jolt that runs down my body, of happiness. Now, all I feel is that jolt of rage. Body shaking, clinging on to something that I want to make me feel like what you made me feel.

                           L O V E

I was there this whole time, I was never lost. Have you ever heard of that expression blinded by love?
You were blinded by your own ego. Love can be overwhelming at times. We are all capable of feeling it. Not all are capable of expressing it. Sometimes people neglect me… I still love them. I understand them. I am also the ruler of compassion and empathy. Within compassion, I sympathize to those who don’t understand how strong I am.
Some look to others for love. While they are love. Ego blocks me out. People confuse me for lust. Most people don’t understand that lust isn’t love.
I heard that you’ve been looking for me. I haven’t been missing, I never left. I am always here and will always be here. You need to find yourself to love again. You need to forgive what gave you that toxic taste in your mouth, that turned me into hate.
Sincerely, Love

Narcissism, Self-centered, Fraud, Fake.

Label me. I don’t really care anymore.

Speak opened minded, self-reflect on your own self. No one can save somebody that doesn’t want to save themselves.

Dear people, I don’t know who this will reach, I hope it reaches somebody that needs it the most.  We are all going through something in Life. I want to first thank the people who believed me in and I let them down.

Deep down somewhere in my heart lays a compassionate soul. There are many different layers under the surface of my being.

I am grateful enough to be where I am now. I have one of the best families in the world and it’s time I start doing for them what they did for me.

Sometimes Parents can be confusing, they don’t listen, they try and discipline you, ten years too late. They always have their best intentions at heart. Somewhere in life, we get hurt mentally, and then we stop growing emotionally.

Hurting doesn’t need to be forever, hurting stop when you figure out that sometimes, we need to self-reflect on what really matters.

Self-reflecting isn’t always blaming yourself, it’s accepting that you are human, it’s telling yourself that nothing in the past will define who you are today.

I try and talk about being yourself, We are all one race at the end of the day separated by religion and dumb politics, we are divided. Seeing end of life makes you not be able to see current life at times.

I am good where I am right now. What I don’t understand is someone who is positive 24/7, find me a person that is happy all year round. I’ll find you a million who aren’t. I give credit to those who mask their pain. Life is all pain. We one day will die, our energy will never die but we will. Masking is like trying to dry a surface with wet paper, it will just make everything messier.

BTW I am not the best writer, I am good at expressing myself. I’ll make it one day.

ps. Introduce yourself, I would love to get to know you guys.

Comparison Is the Thief

I don’t really know where this is going.

I just turned 28 years old a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I am 90 years old. The more I say this the more I feel so confused. Life is confusing. Maybe I am just confused. I know somewhere deep within lays happiness. Happiness isn’t there anymore.

Confused about where I want to take my story.

Maybe I feel guilty for not loving myself after cancer, Maybe I feel regret for not helping others with sharing the best side of me. Maybe I just reached my breaking point, maybe its just my breakthrough, God knows.

Three years ago on Halloween, was one of the scariest moments in my life.

I was driving them on the highway and thought about the feeling of how scared I was. I remember spending that night in the city seeing people celebrating happiness dressed up in the costume. Here I was going into one of the scariest wars I would ever face. I remember tears coming down my face not knowing there was this fighter I still haven’t met.  This inner fight is strong, extremely strong. He survived cancer.

I get deep sometimes that is one of my core beliefs. I want to ask questions and always want people to be themselves, the fighter part of me fights the real part of me so I get confused a lot in trying to become something that I am not.

We are living in a world where being, isn’t really being. We are becoming self-absorbed in hating and feeling so lost that we cannot see straight anymore. Labels get thrown at you for maturing faster than others.

I used to love. I kill what I love. I let people down and in letting people I kill myself.

I tried saving others to only give a false image of who I was. Living Life after cancer isn’t the same as living life with it.

our prime years we go out exploring, in your 20’s your supposed to find out who you are, I was figuring out how to survive. In figuring it out, I keep getting lost. A real compliment feels so fake, maybe because it’s because that how I view myself as fake. I need to start taking better care of myself.

I overthink everything. Let’s get this story right this time. I don’t think anyone would understand, I gave away to much of my story to things that didn’t matter. I am learning how not to overreact to the small things.

I may have said this before, but F it, I’ll say it again.

Truth Hurts.

Everyone wants you to be happy.

Once you know something, it’s forever. Can’t take back the words and can’t just forget the truth.

The truth hurts- that’s why no one likes to hear it. Life sometimes can be funny. We have people all over the world trying to figure it out. Some get distracted by the superficial meanings in life, while others feel it so much that they just get lost in their own misery.

I failed in being myself and failed even more so at trying to be someone I am not. When you try and become something you’re not, you’ll get lost and do the unethical things rather than what your core stands for.

We are all humans at the end of the day, we all are one at the end of the night. Everyone has two things in common: Life and Death, the in-between is where we become different.

Life is continuous… God is real and living inside of us. Society- we are becoming slaves to what we see and what we think. I wish I can take my own advice; I just can’t, so I am not expecting you to take my advice either.

I view life as being different… I don’t see cancer as a sickness, rather I view it as a lesson. What was the lesson in going through what I went to through? I don’t think I understood the lesson.

Retell your story until you get it right. Find what you stand for and do it. Forget the bullshit and it’s okay to not want to be in the game to play an unfair game. Become your game. Forget washed up people that try and break you and move past the bullshit. You know you and no one else does.

Same start different finish

Everyday we wake up. That within itself is the greatest blessing in the world. We think we are going to live on forever. I have been waiting for my moment to shine and kept getting blocked by my own style of thinking. Life is worth living; this is the one chance we have at living it.

I sometimes drift away from what I really stand for. After all, I am human. I have some anger inside me still; I’ve learned how to control to a certain degree. Life is with living.

I sometimes get mad at myself, limiting who I want to become in thinking people could save me. I’ll save myself.

Mainstream isn’t for me. I was given a second chance; most people only have one. What is narcissism? What is self worth?

Answer those two questions and hopefully you’ll realize the difference. Most people don’t even the know the difference between empathy and sympathy. Somewhere along the line I turned off empathy and I started to became a narcissist. Fuck you; don’t judge me on that. I am aware of who I am, I became more logical in a sense of living. I get twisted in my mind when people tell me how to live. I learn from my wrongs. After all I am only human, and so are you!! Let’s learn how to become one first.

God is real. God is in all of us and we are all of the things controlling this universe. Money is what motivates a lot people. Of course we need money to go on living, but we need health first. What is the point of doing something out of stress?

In surviving and having a second chance at life, I became more humble. I am a very simply guy. I like having messy hair and a beard. One of the many reason is because I hated what chemo did to me. I made a promise to myself to never go short again. People think they know me and they think I am just another victim. Let them think that. I am starting to understand everyone is just in a different phase of life.