The broken butterfly

Clip wing she flew, crashed only to land where she needed to heal.
Healing felt like she was breaking every piece of who she was. Layer after layer, unmasking parts of her only to find that what she held was other’s opinions of who she needed to be. Each layer showed her a set of knowing who she is. The healed wing became the wing of a butterfly.

Energy in Motion

“Energy in motion or better yet emotion.”
The feeling is Numbness from pushing everyone away, creating a barrier around my soul.

I grew out my hair for about year, ended up cutting today. Usually, around November, I like to reset. Start back from scratch. There is this feeling that I typically feel right in the middle of my lungs and stomach this trapped feeling that I can’t express out. I know that someday I will be happy; I know eventually I will make it.
I am drawing blank empty. Some say never show people weakness because if you do, they will be turned off by you. They are thinking that you are not capable of being stable.

Numb. That is the feeling right now. It feels worse than the chemo killing cancer because this is cancer-treating cancer. We need to learn how to accept and understand one another with actions and with words. They say that actions speak louder than words. Well, words are the roots of one action. People try to be something that they are not. People try fitting into circles they don’t belong in; you start losing a sense of who they are. In losing a sense of who you are, you will get lost in a world that is here to give you answers to your wanted questions.

Never confine in people that treat hurt as hurt or have a vindictive personality. The ones that do stuff out of spite because they will end up doing the same to you when your relationship goes sour. I look for connections from people, trying to allow people into my life. They always seem to disappoint me. Maybe I disappoint myself in wanting more for me. I am far from perfect. I have my flaws, I do shit out of spite at times, but at least I am honest with myself in understanding the patterns that lead up to my actions. There is no right or wrong way to go about things. It’s always going to be your approach to your reaction to somebody else energy.

People claim they are a believer in god or believer in the universe but only do that to cover up this false idea of not understanding nothing matter.

The only thing that matters in this vast space is that there is a sense of humanity. Learning how to love is hard when others have zero lack of understanding and only understand the self.

When you start to accept anything less than what you give, you lower yourself to that person’s level.

Gas Lighting

I think too, deep. 

Emotions carry all this information that I try and understand over-analyzing my whole existence.

                                                        The intro

 Somewhere in life, we learn how to be who we are today. We compare who we are to the people that influenced us in our youth. I don’t want to get it depressing or get emotional about things because we all go through our problems. In general, we all faced one thing that made us who we are. Whether it was is our parents or our external family or our environment. We learned a lot of old habits of who we are today.

       post-Cancerous

Mental Health is key. We all suffer from it. We all have our ways of dealing with shit. We accept the love we think we deserve. We allow shit to stick when, in all reality, nothing makes sense. Everything that is happening is happening. This part of me is my logical side writing, the part that has zero emotions left to give. Emotionally drained from suppressing myself to make others happy. There are very few people I still feel for, my mom, my dad, my sisters, and this one other person we will remain nameless. Sometimes in life, we get lost we surround ourselves with people who feed into our ego. Who use and abuse us.

       pre-cancerous

Remember how I said we take the love we think we deserve? Regardless of how much love you give someone, they won’t know how to love you back. 

My logical side is telling me not to open up because I will be subjective to hurt. I will say it to it that I got this time won’t allow myself to worry anymore about what others are going to think of me. You acknowledge what you believe is right because what we believe is correct at the moment isn’t always right. If someone were to tell me that I would be where I was today ten years ago, I would say to them that they had no idea who I was. 

                                                      post-Cancerous

Who I am at twenty-nine is an unhealed man that didn’t know any better. There was this one person in my life. We will also leave them nameless. I looked up to this person, though they were the excellent people until one day I broke free of the Gas-lighting and started to feel me for a change. Start saying what does Mouhamad needs. This person didn’t like it that much, so ego-filled that they needed a reality check of their own. What I am trying to tell you is that some people are good at putting on this persona in saying that they are something that they are not. Learn how to trust your gut and tell yourself that it is okay not to be around people like that even if you love them. They don’t know what love is until either the person is dead or if that person wants nothing to do with them. They compete with themselves, always comparing what the other person has rather than focused on what makes them happy. 

                                       Pre-cancerous

I was looking up to people, rather than looking up to myself. I didn’t understand what it was like to be who I wanted to be, so I allowed other people the dictate my life. I Surrounded myself with people that matched my energy. They also didn’t know what it was like loving themselves; with sounding like a pessimist, I want to make it clear this is all self-realization. What is self-realization with actually doing things that will help benefit yourself?

The conclusion of this whole post is that understand yourself in learning how to accept all parts of you that need the attention of others gives it to yourself. Know that people will love you, and people will also hurt you. It’s how you react that makes you feel what you feel. Emotions repeat throughout life; you can suppress them to know that you are the only one that is in control of how you feel.

Gods Creation

A part of me feels like I have lost perception with this society.

Another part of me feels like the whole creation is living in me. I am not saying that I have given up, for that, I have breathe I will keep living.

This world is small; the people living in are not. I talk a lot about mental health. I have talked a lot about my battles with disease, obsession, things that made me vulnerable.

In being vulnerable, you will develop, you will become restricted, but it will be the most powerful that you ever felt. Most people never will show the world who they are because they are afraid; they were once shut down. They continue to let that little child in them live in fear.

Sometimes we feel like this world is against us; the world is for us. I am learning, and I won’t be sorry for trying to understand who I want to become, I am sorry you failed to see your own shadow in my failures. I am who I am because of the way God created me.

Checking in

A lot has been on my mind lately. Feel’s like life has this trick that it likes to play . At times I feel completely lost and other times I feel like I am on top of this world.

I am just figuring it out. To anyone out there struggling for a purpose, your purpose is just being here. been soul searching for my purpose and the more I search the more lost I am. Don’t repeat toxic cycles, find new meaning to life and learn how to live by them.

I’ve listen to much to how I should live my life, Trying to be other, losing myself in the long run.

I want to do better for myself so that I can do better for others. I am not a poet, I am not a rapper, I am not a person that has had a bad life, I am a person that has seen some stuff I wish I never saw. I know people are going to say well, get out there and be happy. Happiness is far gone when you enter a world that is completely dead. I might sound negative to some but this is my reality, something is missing. Staying in this cycle of hurt will never heal me. People talk all this shit about how great their life is but I can guarantee they are filling a hole somewhere deep within. Life is pain and pain isn’t forever. Just as life isn’t forever.

Express lane

Expression : the process of making known one’s thoughts or feelings.

Thoughts : an idea or opinion produced by thinking, or occurring suddenly in the mind.

Suddenly : quickly and unexpectedly

We are not kids anymore. You failed at something in life but failing only made you stronger. Now what ? Where do you stand ? Same spot where this world left you. Keep going we are all on the same road to the final stop. Learn how to read in-between the lines.