Maybe One Day

Maybe one day we’ll unearth each other in the stars like when we first met, maybe one day the blast from the past will create our future as the present unveils itself. Maybe one day, that heart will open again. Until then, only can allow this universe to guide us in seeing where the magic is.

Energy in Motion

“Energy in motion or better yet emotion.”
The feeling is Numbness from pushing everyone away, creating a barrier around my soul.

I grew out my hair for about year, ended up cutting today. Usually, around November, I like to reset. Start back from scratch. There is this feeling that I typically feel right in the middle of my lungs and stomach this trapped feeling that I can’t express out. I know that someday I will be happy; I know eventually I will make it.
I am drawing blank empty. Some say never show people weakness because if you do, they will be turned off by you. They are thinking that you are not capable of being stable.

Numb. That is the feeling right now. It feels worse than the chemo killing cancer because this is cancer-treating cancer. We need to learn how to accept and understand one another with actions and with words. They say that actions speak louder than words. Well, words are the roots of one action. People try to be something that they are not. People try fitting into circles they don’t belong in; you start losing a sense of who they are. In losing a sense of who you are, you will get lost in a world that is here to give you answers to your wanted questions.

Never confine in people that treat hurt as hurt or have a vindictive personality. The ones that do stuff out of spite because they will end up doing the same to you when your relationship goes sour. I look for connections from people, trying to allow people into my life. They always seem to disappoint me. Maybe I disappoint myself in wanting more for me. I am far from perfect. I have my flaws, I do shit out of spite at times, but at least I am honest with myself in understanding the patterns that lead up to my actions. There is no right or wrong way to go about things. It’s always going to be your approach to your reaction to somebody else energy.

People claim they are a believer in god or believer in the universe but only do that to cover up this false idea of not understanding nothing matter.

The only thing that matters in this vast space is that there is a sense of humanity. Learning how to love is hard when others have zero lack of understanding and only understand the self.

When you start to accept anything less than what you give, you lower yourself to that person’s level.

Gods Creation

A part of me feels like I have lost perception with this society.

Another part of me feels like the whole creation is living in me. I am not saying that I have given up, for that, I have breathe I will keep living.

This world is small; the people living in are not. I talk a lot about mental health. I have talked a lot about my battles with disease, obsession, things that made me vulnerable.

In being vulnerable, you will develop, you will become restricted, but it will be the most powerful that you ever felt. Most people never will show the world who they are because they are afraid; they were once shut down. They continue to let that little child in them live in fear.

Sometimes we feel like this world is against us; the world is for us. I am learning, and I won’t be sorry for trying to understand who I want to become, I am sorry you failed to see your own shadow in my failures. I am who I am because of the way God created me.

Four Years later a New outlook

We live in a world that is separated, divided, and, most importantly, depressed. Everyone is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Ever since I can remember, I have always been the outcast. There’s nothing wrong with being the outcast.

During my darkest moments, only a few people shined while others simply pretended to be there. The ones that shined have a special place in my heart. 

You see, I don’t have a problem in expressing who I am. I have nothing I want to show off to the material world. Even though “material” may be good at times, “material” isn’t what life is all about. 

My twenties were nice until I needed to wake up really fast and bring out every part of me to a game I wasn’t ready to play. We don’t fight wars alone. During war, each solider doesn’t need to agree with one another. In the real world, they need to compromise and destroy the enemy — that enemy, for me, was cancer.  

As time healed them in their own ways, it never really healed me. I saw the world for something else while my family remained stuck in their own war. What I mean is, they went back to what they knew this world as before. Them seeing me healthy was all they wanted. Was I really healthy though? I was healed, but FAR FROM HEALTHY. I’m still trying to figure out who this person was and is, and what to do with this new chance that I was given.

When a war ends, trauma begins. Sometimes, we get lost in winning the battle & we forget what we are fighting for.

What I fight for is a better life for me and my army, regardless of who doesn’t see the bigger picture. It’s my picture. 

As a previously sick person, I know the only thing a person wants when they are sick is to be healthy. 

I have a vision for what I want my life to become. It isn’t always easy for me to express myself. The best way I know how is to write. I love being able to just sit there and write, take pictures, and record videos. 

I remember the time I applied to radiography school. I wanted to become an X-Ray tech to help others. X-Rays saved my life, so I thought it would be a good way to help others in their recovery and give back. It was one of the worst things I could’ve done. I was trying to be Superman in a world that didn’t need it. A system where people take it as a paycheck and see each person as an RN number, I definitely wasn’t emotionally ready for that. Staff didn’t like my approach and told me that I had to remember to be a student, even though their techs were being very unethical at times. I learned that some things need to be kept unsaid for protecting your own sanity. There are a lot of sick people out there and when I say sick, I don’t mean physically — I mean mentally. They have their priorities all fucked up.

Opening up to others about something they will never understand is like trying to make a circle fit in a square… I don’t know where I came up with that, but that’s just how my brain operates. 

I smoked weed in my recovery. It took me 25 years of my life to do any kind of drug. Even writing this sentence makes me feel like I am committing a guilty act. I don’t understand why some people can’t just accept the fact that we are living in a new time… where there are other ways of healing, other than the traditional ones. I see my father with all his pills and just tell myself if only he could change his viewpoint and stop taking this poison. I feel like he’d be much healthier and happier.

Smoking, for me, turned into numbing and numbing made me stop caring. I talk a lot about people and how people live. I am not saying that I am better than other people. I have just been through a different experience. I’ve never dwelled on my misery of having cancer. Instead, I try to dwell on the knowledge to only notice that the knowledge I gained gave me a new insight on what life is.

I am not a scientist; I don’t know why some people die from cancer and others survive. However, I do know what I went through to not die. God didn’t save me; God could’ve saved a lot more people that deserved to be saved. The way we think, we become. 

I am in tune with the thing inside me… the thing that beats, that keeps me alive – my “heart.” The same heart that feels the pain of others, wanting to see them do better and not feed into hate. I also have a very powerful brain, a brain that thinks off logic rather than follows a trend. I still am a person, though, and I still have temptation just like the rest of the world. I need to feel grounded. If I don’t, then that means I am not human. So save me your perfect happily-ever-after for someone else.

Dark times pass

Today is February 12th everything on the top was when I was in a different state of mind. Today mark’s my four-year anniversary since I was diagnosed with brain cancer. I just want to thank My team. Today is also my dad birthday. 4 years ago today, we celebrated his birthday by finding out what was wrong with me. Even after finding out it was cancer, you remained thankful that I was still alive. You didn’t care about what cake or present you were going to get that night but more so if I was going to be okay. Last night, I tried to envision a world without you, and just couldn’t. I love you Dad .. really thankful that I have you around still and need to learn how to appreciate you a lot more because one day, I am no longer going to be able to just say hey Dad. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABA!!

Breaking up, moving on

It’s not you that I hold onto. I don’t even miss you. I wrote about you before and felt completely empowered. Been checking up on you every now and then, you still never showed up. I can say that you standing me up has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. At times, I miss you. At times, I ask myself how did you fuck me up so much and just leave. Thinking I was going to be okay, just like that.
The voice you gave me made me feel like a complete idiot around a bunch of people that never understood you. What you are to me is something special, you have a special place in my heart. Even though we are no longer together, I still love you for all the things you taught me. I still fucking hate you for all the deaths you have caused.
People fear you, I did at one point thats why I held you so close. The more I spoke about you, the more I looked like an idiot. People telling me to move past it but little did they know I was trying… I failed. In failing, you are becoming more of a faded memory.
Time heals… others forget you. I only remember you more deeply. With you, life was like me trying to survive. Without you, life is where I am.
You made me lost in the way I think. From time to time, I try and remember how strong I was with you. Without you, I don’t have a excuse to fight.
Fighting with you isn’t a war. Forgetting you wasn’t always easy. You left a toxic taste in my mouth. As years go by, I tell myself that I am better. I am not though. I don’t really care about what I used to care about while I was with you. My parents don’t even care about you anymore. Everyone wants to forget you and tell me to move on. HOW? WHERE? I get that life without you is better.

This time of year gets hard from time to time. You become real and it’s like I can still feel your touch. The cold weather here reminds me of your coldness. I turned cold for a bit. It’s like the more I get ignored, the more I want to remember you. This feeling makes me feel like you are in all when you are nothing more than just something that most fear.

Remember how much you loved me that you almost tried killing me? Those were the days where I was my strongest. You made me lose sight in some ways. You were blinding me just like you were blinded in me. I really hope everyone you meet gives you the same treatment I gave you. Hopefully we’ll never meet again.

FUCK YOU, Thank you Cancer.

Sincerely, Mouhamad Beydoun

Comparison Is the Thief

I don’t really know where this is going.

I just turned 28 years old a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I am 90 years old. The more I say this the more I feel so confused. Life is confusing. Maybe I am just confused. I know somewhere deep within lays happiness. Happiness isn’t there anymore.

Confused about where I want to take my story.

Maybe I feel guilty for not loving myself after cancer, Maybe I feel regret for not helping others with sharing the best side of me. Maybe I just reached my breaking point, maybe its just my breakthrough, God knows.

Three years ago on Halloween, was one of the scariest moments in my life.

I was driving them on the highway and thought about the feeling of how scared I was. I remember spending that night in the city seeing people celebrating happiness dressed up in the costume. Here I was going into one of the scariest wars I would ever face. I remember tears coming down my face not knowing there was this fighter I still haven’t met.  This inner fight is strong, extremely strong. He survived cancer.

I get deep sometimes that is one of my core beliefs. I want to ask questions and always want people to be themselves, the fighter part of me fights the real part of me so I get confused a lot in trying to become something that I am not.

We are living in a world where being, isn’t really being. We are becoming self-absorbed in hating and feeling so lost that we cannot see straight anymore. Labels get thrown at you for maturing faster than others.

I used to love. I kill what I love. I let people down and in letting people I kill myself.

I tried saving others to only give a false image of who I was. Living Life after cancer isn’t the same as living life with it.

our prime years we go out exploring, in your 20’s your supposed to find out who you are, I was figuring out how to survive. In figuring it out, I keep getting lost. A real compliment feels so fake, maybe because it’s because that how I view myself as fake. I need to start taking better care of myself.

I overthink everything. Let’s get this story right this time. I don’t think anyone would understand, I gave away to much of my story to things that didn’t matter. I am learning how not to overreact to the small things.

I may have said this before, but F it, I’ll say it again.

Truth Hurts.

Everyone wants you to be happy.

Once you know something, it’s forever. Can’t take back the words and can’t just forget the truth.

The truth hurts- that’s why no one likes to hear it. Life sometimes can be funny. We have people all over the world trying to figure it out. Some get distracted by the superficial meanings in life, while others feel it so much that they just get lost in their own misery.

I failed in being myself and failed even more so at trying to be someone I am not. When you try and become something you’re not, you’ll get lost and do the unethical things rather than what your core stands for.

We are all humans at the end of the day, we all are one at the end of the night. Everyone has two things in common: Life and Death, the in-between is where we become different.

Life is continuous… God is real and living inside of us. Society- we are becoming slaves to what we see and what we think. I wish I can take my own advice; I just can’t, so I am not expecting you to take my advice either.

I view life as being different… I don’t see cancer as a sickness, rather I view it as a lesson. What was the lesson in going through what I went to through? I don’t think I understood the lesson.

Retell your story until you get it right. Find what you stand for and do it. Forget the bullshit and it’s okay to not want to be in the game to play an unfair game. Become your game. Forget washed up people that try and break you and move past the bullshit. You know you and no one else does.