Wasted Time

We get lost in the clutter of the world, forgetting that the beauty lives within us all. We come from nowhere to end up going back to the same place where we first started. Lack of expression leaves us with this built-up dead ball of enegery, leaving us to feel a sense of not belonging in a world built for us.

The heart will break, the mind will numb; the body will feel.

sunflower

Detached from the inside, she disintegrated. She carried the weight of the world on her face with a broken smile, screened in from her demons. 

That last tear dropped to only have her rise again like a sunflower. Standing tall, showing the world her beauty.

To More Life

I hold onto you like you’re forever. Nothing is forever. One day we’ll end. Nothing to hold onto anymore. All this fighting will not be worth it in the end.

We all have you and everyone plays you differently. You are a whore, but to me, you gave me a second chance. I don’t feel like you’re a whore in my eyes. I feel like you are the best thing that has ever happened to all of us. We don’t know what we have until you are gone.

Love you, life.

Where did you go ?

Lost love.
I went to the lost and found the other day looking for you.
They said they never heard of you.
They asked me if I could describe you.
I drew blank.
They asked me when was it that I last saw you.
I drew blank.
I left looking for you.
Found that I was creating hate in the search for you.
Building up false images of what I thought you were.
I don’t even know when was the last time I remember feeling you.
Feeling that jolt that runs down my body, of happiness. Now, all I feel is that jolt of rage. Body shaking, clinging on to something that I want to make me feel like what you made me feel.

                           L O V E

I was there this whole time, I was never lost. Have you ever heard of that expression blinded by love?
You were blinded by your own ego. Love can be overwhelming at times. We are all capable of feeling it. Not all are capable of expressing it. Sometimes people neglect me… I still love them. I understand them. I am also the ruler of compassion and empathy. Within compassion, I sympathize to those who don’t understand how strong I am.
Some look to others for love. While they are love. Ego blocks me out. People confuse me for lust. Most people don’t understand that lust isn’t love.
I heard that you’ve been looking for me. I haven’t been missing, I never left. I am always here and will always be here. You need to find yourself to love again. You need to forgive what gave you that toxic taste in your mouth, that turned me into hate.
Sincerely, Love

Comparison Is the Thief

I don’t really know where this is going.

I just turned 28 years old a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I am 90 years old. The more I say this the more I feel so confused. Life is confusing. Maybe I am just confused. I know somewhere deep within lays happiness. Happiness isn’t there anymore.

Confused about where I want to take my story.

Maybe I feel guilty for not loving myself after cancer, Maybe I feel regret for not helping others with sharing the best side of me. Maybe I just reached my breaking point, maybe its just my breakthrough, God knows.

Three years ago on Halloween, was one of the scariest moments in my life.

I was driving them on the highway and thought about the feeling of how scared I was. I remember spending that night in the city seeing people celebrating happiness dressed up in the costume. Here I was going into one of the scariest wars I would ever face. I remember tears coming down my face not knowing there was this fighter I still haven’t met.  This inner fight is strong, extremely strong. He survived cancer.

I get deep sometimes that is one of my core beliefs. I want to ask questions and always want people to be themselves, the fighter part of me fights the real part of me so I get confused a lot in trying to become something that I am not.

We are living in a world where being, isn’t really being. We are becoming self-absorbed in hating and feeling so lost that we cannot see straight anymore. Labels get thrown at you for maturing faster than others.

I used to love. I kill what I love. I let people down and in letting people I kill myself.

I tried saving others to only give a false image of who I was. Living Life after cancer isn’t the same as living life with it.

our prime years we go out exploring, in your 20’s your supposed to find out who you are, I was figuring out how to survive. In figuring it out, I keep getting lost. A real compliment feels so fake, maybe because it’s because that how I view myself as fake. I need to start taking better care of myself.

I overthink everything. Let’s get this story right this time. I don’t think anyone would understand, I gave away to much of my story to things that didn’t matter. I am learning how not to overreact to the small things.

I may have said this before, but F it, I’ll say it again.