Narcissism, Self-centered, Fraud, Fake.

Label me. I don’t really care anymore.

Speak opened minded, self-reflect on your own self. No one can save somebody that doesn’t want to save themselves.

Dear people, I don’t know who this will reach, I hope it reaches somebody that needs it the most.  We are all going through something in Life. I want to first thank the people who believed me in and I let them down.

Deep down somewhere in my heart lays a compassionate soul. There are many different layers under the surface of my being.

I am grateful enough to be where I am now. I have one of the best families in the world and it’s time I start doing for them what they did for me.

Sometimes Parents can be confusing, they don’t listen, they try and discipline you, ten years too late. They always have their best intentions at heart. Somewhere in life, we get hurt mentally, and then we stop growing emotionally.

Hurting doesn’t need to be forever, hurting stop when you figure out that sometimes, we need to self-reflect on what really matters.

Self-reflecting isn’t always blaming yourself, it’s accepting that you are human, it’s telling yourself that nothing in the past will define who you are today.

I try and talk about being yourself, We are all one race at the end of the day separated by religion and dumb politics, we are divided. Seeing end of life makes you not be able to see current life at times.

I am good where I am right now. What I don’t understand is someone who is positive 24/7, find me a person that is happy all year round. I’ll find you a million who aren’t. I give credit to those who mask their pain. Life is all pain. We one day will die, our energy will never die but we will. Masking is like trying to dry a surface with wet paper, it will just make everything messier.

BTW I am not the best writer, I am good at expressing myself. I’ll make it one day.

ps. Introduce yourself, I would love to get to know you guys.

Comparison Is the Thief

I don’t really know where this is going.

I just turned 28 years old a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I am 90 years old. The more I say this the more I feel so confused. Life is confusing. Maybe I am just confused. I know somewhere deep within lays happiness. Happiness isn’t there anymore.

Confused about where I want to take my story.

Maybe I feel guilty for not loving myself after cancer, Maybe I feel regret for not helping others with sharing the best side of me. Maybe I just reached my breaking point, maybe its just my breakthrough, God knows.

Three years ago on Halloween, was one of the scariest moments in my life.

I was driving them on the highway and thought about the feeling of how scared I was. I remember spending that night in the city seeing people celebrating happiness dressed up in the costume. Here I was going into one of the scariest wars I would ever face. I remember tears coming down my face not knowing there was this fighter I still haven’t met.  This inner fight is strong, extremely strong. He survived cancer.

I get deep sometimes that is one of my core beliefs. I want to ask questions and always want people to be themselves, the fighter part of me fights the real part of me so I get confused a lot in trying to become something that I am not.

We are living in a world where being, isn’t really being. We are becoming self-absorbed in hating and feeling so lost that we cannot see straight anymore. Labels get thrown at you for maturing faster than others.

I used to love. I kill what I love. I let people down and in letting people I kill myself.

I tried saving others to only give a false image of who I was. Living Life after cancer isn’t the same as living life with it.

our prime years we go out exploring, in your 20’s your supposed to find out who you are, I was figuring out how to survive. In figuring it out, I keep getting lost. A real compliment feels so fake, maybe because it’s because that how I view myself as fake. I need to start taking better care of myself.

I overthink everything. Let’s get this story right this time. I don’t think anyone would understand, I gave away to much of my story to things that didn’t matter. I am learning how not to overreact to the small things.

I may have said this before, but F it, I’ll say it again.

Truth Hurts.

Everyone wants you to be happy.

Once you know something, it’s forever. Can’t take back the words and can’t just forget the truth.

The truth hurts- that’s why no one likes to hear it. Life sometimes can be funny. We have people all over the world trying to figure it out. Some get distracted by the superficial meanings in life, while others feel it so much that they just get lost in their own misery.

I failed in being myself and failed even more so at trying to be someone I am not. When you try and become something you’re not, you’ll get lost and do the unethical things rather than what your core stands for.

We are all humans at the end of the day, we all are one at the end of the night. Everyone has two things in common: Life and Death, the in-between is where we become different.

Life is continuous… God is real and living inside of us. Society- we are becoming slaves to what we see and what we think. I wish I can take my own advice; I just can’t, so I am not expecting you to take my advice either.

I view life as being different… I don’t see cancer as a sickness, rather I view it as a lesson. What was the lesson in going through what I went to through? I don’t think I understood the lesson.

Retell your story until you get it right. Find what you stand for and do it. Forget the bullshit and it’s okay to not want to be in the game to play an unfair game. Become your game. Forget washed up people that try and break you and move past the bullshit. You know you and no one else does.

Same start different finish

Everyday we wake up. That within itself is the greatest blessing in the world. We think we are going to live on forever. I have been waiting for my moment to shine and kept getting blocked by my own style of thinking. Life is worth living; this is the one chance we have at living it.

I sometimes drift away from what I really stand for. After all, I am human. I have some anger inside me still; I’ve learned how to control to a certain degree. Life is with living.

I sometimes get mad at myself, limiting who I want to become in thinking people could save me. I’ll save myself.

Mainstream isn’t for me. I was given a second chance; most people only have one. What is narcissism? What is self worth?

Answer those two questions and hopefully you’ll realize the difference. Most people don’t even the know the difference between empathy and sympathy. Somewhere along the line I turned off empathy and I started to became a narcissist. Fuck you; don’t judge me on that. I am aware of who I am, I became more logical in a sense of living. I get twisted in my mind when people tell me how to live. I learn from my wrongs. After all I am only human, and so are you!! Let’s learn how to become one first.

God is real. God is in all of us and we are all of the things controlling this universe. Money is what motivates a lot people. Of course we need money to go on living, but we need health first. What is the point of doing something out of stress?

In surviving and having a second chance at life, I became more humble. I am a very simply guy. I like having messy hair and a beard. One of the many reason is because I hated what chemo did to me. I made a promise to myself to never go short again. People think they know me and they think I am just another victim. Let them think that. I am starting to understand everyone is just in a different phase of life.

Finding Inner Happiness

There was a time when this was real. It felt real. Maybe it stopped feeling real after I started talking to others about my pain. The pain I was causing others.

Don’t try to fix something that isn’t broken. Don’t hold judgement on things you don’t like. Life is full of experiences and the more we do,  the more we learn.

Imagine yourself happy… what would that look like?

Can we buy happiness or is happiness an inner feeling? To the people saying happiness can be bought, then I’m sorry to tell you… One day, that thing that you thought you could buy, you can’t. Things break and material wears off.

If more people wore their feelings on their faces, perhaps there would be more happiness.

Or maybe we need to feel pain, for happiness to come.

Throughout my journey I am understanding what it is like to live.
-Mouhamad Beydoun

Outcast

We are People. Humans that feel feelings. We are more than just flesh. Underneath our flesh lives the soul. I have been so lost in trying to find myself.

I used to think that everything was okay. Everything will eventually be okay in the end. I live for things that most people won’t and don’t understand, Inside me there are feelings that have been burnt out from the fire within me. In each of us there are things that burn.

We are all on different levels of this thing called life. People have this sense of believing what they believe because it makes them feel at peace with what this world is. That is okay, the only time where it doesn’t become okay is when we start to make another person feel wrong about what they do.

Growing up I had a lot of freedom. I also didn’t fit in well with others. I was always trying to fit in. I never fit in. I’ve accepted that. Its not like I don’t want to adapt, I don’t..I just don’t want to.

I know what your going to say ” well you will never change”, ” you will never grow”, ” Get over whatever it is that hurt you in the past because your are better now”. My response will be live your life and i’ll live mine.

One thing about me lately is that I want to honest, and honest doesn’t work in this world. Most people cannot accept honest. Like I said before people have their own belief to what this world is.

We forget god. What is god? God is good.. then why are we so bad. People say this is in the name of god. If god can control this world and our thought then god wouldn’t allow bad to happen. God is pure and human can be evil.

I go off topic a lot. I ramble about things that affect my day to day. Life before everything was okay. I would wake up go to work come back home and repeat the same old routine. Can I ask you a question? what is the purpose you get up for in the morning ? is it to be liked on instagram? Or maybe to hear who dissed who in the rap game. Drama is a distraction and I am guilty of it. I get caught up in the bullshit of life and forget how strong I am. This fighter needs to stop fighting.

When I was first diagnosed with brain cancer, I needed to fight. I didn’t know how too. I had no control of what this fighter was going to do or act. This fighter didn’t want to give up. This fighter won the fight and is now trying to fight a world that would never understand him.

I am grateful that most people will never experience what I experienced, but I know people can find compassion.

Fear came to me one day after I woke up from this weird dream. Not a real dream but this life that I thought I was living. In my head I thought that I was okay, I was far from okay. I started living in a paranoid state of mind. This high both mentally and physically started going against me.

I only know my own personal experience from this world as you should know your own. we are people that have a story to tell. This world works two ways but sometimes its okay to let it only work on way, People something need to fill there own ego, Let them because you are stronger then that to know life is more then just flesh.

Don’t allow anyone to rob you from your spiritual side. Do what makes you comfortable as a person to be yourself.

Stay woke

How I survived Cancer.

One way of how I survived cancer was letting go of all my old ways. In trying to let go of all my old ways, I got a bit tangled up. My ego is a fighter. My spirit is a child that fears. I am a Libra which represents balance, yet I had no balance.

Ever since I was a kid, I used my imagination. During Cancer, I was never worried about the chemo itself; I was more worried about my fantasy madden team. The child in me wasn’t pure. I grow up become him. He turned into this fighter.UNPURE FIGHTER. There was a civil war inside me. My good and bad fighting each other.

Let’s back track to before cancer. Low-self esteem and cancer don’t go hand in hand. Not knowing better of my past mistakes I opened up to world. My whole world came crashing down on me. I think I am a very logical person. A lot of people have there own agenda in this world. My agenda is to make this world a better place. Cant make this world a better place if I am not better. I love life. I get lost in life. I try and make everything around me happy to only feel lonely. This lonely child is a scared child. Never felt before. Ran and ran until one day I got tired of running.

I used to look up to this one person. This person was blood. In going through our own fights we tried to rekindle things. To only find out his foundation are still the same and mine are completely different.

My fighter is a person trying to be understood.I found this really amazing therapist. That I am starting to trust. I can’t trust no one not even myself at time. I react to a feelings. My fighter won the fight cancer. The fighter came from the child feeling like he was so misunderstood. This child wanted to be loved. Fuck being a man. Fuck being anything. I am a person that just want to enjoy life.

Family was here I was blinded. She was there and I WAS BLINDED. She is my everything. I used to never feel that way. I wanted the cake and extra. Youth is where we learn most of what we know now. If you have any-sense of self awareness you will start to blameing yourself for all of your actions. I was feeling guilt of never loving the people that loved me. MAN FUCK THIS YOUTH TALK. Look up to the people that really matter not the ones that have their best interest at heart. I was surrounding myself with people that wanted lust not love. When you have a good thing going for you don’t fumble it.

External family is family, Keep a distance. I mean it. Your valves might not add up. Have people in your life that will love you for you.

Meaning have people who will love your worst side. I screamed and fought to get to where I am. The ones that never cared made up this weird illusion of who I was. The one that did got to see this side of me.

Over the past weekend, two opportunities presented themselves to me: to follow a job and get back into the system or trying to fill a void of emptiness. Love is not always equal. I find myself lost in expressing what I want to say. I opened up to so many people, while I should have been only opening up to one. This one wasn’t really understanding me because I wasn’t understanding her. Life after cancer gives you a whole new perspective on life, as well as a lot of shame in feeling like you’re not worthy of what you’re becoming. A lot of us don’t understand what love is, maybe because we never understood what love was. Love is a four letter word; so is hate. Only thing is that love and hate are complete opposites but with loving something so much, it can turn into hate. Too much of anything is bad. I thought I loved outside people to only find out I was getting trapped in my own head. Right now on the phone, I have the only thing I ever loved helping my lost mind figure out its middle ground. When I felt like I couldn’t talk to her or express who I was, or when I felt like I lied too much in my past, that love turned to hate so I tried to fill this void with other people. Other people don’t love you, they love you for what they think you are. She loved me for everything.