Gas Lighting

I think too, deep. 

Emotions carry all this information that I try and understand over-analyzing my whole existence.

                                                        The intro

 Somewhere in life, we learn how to be who we are today. We compare who we are to the people that influenced us in our youth. I don’t want to get it depressing or get emotional about things because we all go through our problems. In general, we all faced one thing that made us who we are. Whether it was is our parents or our external family or our environment. We learned a lot of old habits of who we are today.

       post-Cancerous

Mental Health is key. We all suffer from it. We all have our ways of dealing with shit. We accept the love we think we deserve. We allow shit to stick when, in all reality, nothing makes sense. Everything that is happening is happening. This part of me is my logical side writing, the part that has zero emotions left to give. Emotionally drained from suppressing myself to make others happy. There are very few people I still feel for, my mom, my dad, my sisters, and this one other person we will remain nameless. Sometimes in life, we get lost we surround ourselves with people who feed into our ego. Who use and abuse us.

       pre-cancerous

Remember how I said we take the love we think we deserve? Regardless of how much love you give someone, they won’t know how to love you back. 

My logical side is telling me not to open up because I will be subjective to hurt. I will say it to it that I got this time won’t allow myself to worry anymore about what others are going to think of me. You acknowledge what you believe is right because what we believe is correct at the moment isn’t always right. If someone were to tell me that I would be where I was today ten years ago, I would say to them that they had no idea who I was. 

                                                      post-Cancerous

Who I am at twenty-nine is an unhealed man that didn’t know any better. There was this one person in my life. We will also leave them nameless. I looked up to this person, though they were the excellent people until one day I broke free of the Gas-lighting and started to feel me for a change. Start saying what does Mouhamad needs. This person didn’t like it that much, so ego-filled that they needed a reality check of their own. What I am trying to tell you is that some people are good at putting on this persona in saying that they are something that they are not. Learn how to trust your gut and tell yourself that it is okay not to be around people like that even if you love them. They don’t know what love is until either the person is dead or if that person wants nothing to do with them. They compete with themselves, always comparing what the other person has rather than focused on what makes them happy. 

                                       Pre-cancerous

I was looking up to people, rather than looking up to myself. I didn’t understand what it was like to be who I wanted to be, so I allowed other people the dictate my life. I Surrounded myself with people that matched my energy. They also didn’t know what it was like loving themselves; with sounding like a pessimist, I want to make it clear this is all self-realization. What is self-realization with actually doing things that will help benefit yourself?

The conclusion of this whole post is that understand yourself in learning how to accept all parts of you that need the attention of others gives it to yourself. Know that people will love you, and people will also hurt you. It’s how you react that makes you feel what you feel. Emotions repeat throughout life; you can suppress them to know that you are the only one that is in control of how you feel.

Finding yourself.

Life. We all have it some of us struggle with the meaning of it. We are all different, and in being different, we sometimes fall short of becoming something more then what we are. She will never stop loving you as long as you are here right now reading this. In the words of Alan Watts, ” existence is love.”

Play on words has you thinking. Life has me thinking, is everything for the moment, or is there something more than where I am now. We never know where we are because we are always trying to control something that we cannot control. When I say we I don’t mean all, I mean we as in the overthinkers. Overthinking is both bliss and curse.

Through Cancer, I’ve learned that I forget how strong I am as a person. I’ve also learned how I don’t give myself enough credit. People get turned off by mental health topics. They don’t want to hear about your suffering because the world is grieving as is. They want to hear about the achievement of the struggles, not the battle it.

I want to conceive myself of being smart enough emotionally, I numbed myself through substance to escape parts of me I hated, and I learned that to kill those parts I needed to love those parts. Those parts of me were answers to my question of finding what it is that makes me not act in my true self.

I know when I don’t act from my true self. My true self is a loving and caring person. Through life and my own experience, different parts of me were born. Parts of me that I am trying to understand so that my inner child doesn’t fear them.

One part of me that I am still trying to understand is my fighter side. Even though it helped me, it’s also wanted to destroy me. It is hard letting out a front of you to the world. I am learning not to be scared to be unmasked. It will eliminate those that fail to understand my being.

One of my darkest times overshadowed my light. I didn’t understand it back then I don’t think I fully understand it now. There are still parts of me that need work, and I find it within me to change these bad habits that once helped me heal physically and destroyed me mentally.

In the process of growing up, you’ll learn that the kid within you is still alive. You will discover that people are just people learning the adults are unhealed kids. Generations of same old toxic cycles, you will try and break it, but they would be to hurt because they don’t like their idea of what this world is to change, which is okay. Don’t allow that to break you from becoming you.

Speak your mind; become free. Remember How I told you, in the beginning, people are struggling in finding the meaning of their why. I know my why, It’s helping others to find out who they are. Not everyone wants to find themselves, which is okay. I am here just speaking, not preaching because I understand that people are people; they do what they choose to do. That is the best part of being a human; we have access to self-control most of the time. We are emotional beings; we are thinkers; we are an expression and so much more.

Empathy > Sympathy

Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Sympathy: feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune.

pity: the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the suffering and misfortunes of others.

sorrow: a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others.

distress: sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.

If we can—just for a second—take the time out of our day and tell ourselves “I empathize with you” rather then “I sympathize with you,” this world would be a better place. We have this world confused at times. This world doesn’t need more wars, this world doesn’t need more religious people, this world needs more compassion. A world full of love is a world full of life. 

I have been through a lot—I think we all got the point already. I don’t live in the past, I live in the present. Sometimes, being hurt can overtake you when you believe that your voice doesn’t matter. Every voice matters. We all matter. 

I think about death a lot. Even though I went through it, I still fear it. Not fearing death itself but rather wondering: DID I DO ENOUGH? The first thing I am doing when I become wealthy is helping others. Move somewhere more green and serene, be with nature, write a book about who I am and who I want to become. See how I said when. Not “if” I became wealthy. 

Self love

I am in the process of loving who I am. I am welcoming all parts of myself, with, love. The second you feel pity for yourself, you start to lose the human part of you. ego> aside it’s okay to feel pride with stuff that you do or accomplish. You feel more accomplished when you succeed at something. Loving yourself isn’t a bad thing, just remember to always give that same love to other people. Learn how to ignore the people that try and harm you. Never kill someone with kindness, sometimes you might kill yourself with it instead. Kill them with silence. Understand that your energy is not meant for everyone.

I read this book the other day called “Mind Platter”; there was a line that read

“Don’t break a bird’s wings and then tell it to fly. Don’t break a heart and then tell it to love. Don’t break a soul and then tell it to be happy.” -Mind Platter

Conclusion 

Moving forward, my life is in my hands and I’ll keep trying remaining true to myself and to others. Find empathy rather the sympathy. Choose love rather than hate. Give yourself the time you need to heal. 

Ps. Thank you for reading.

Deep Rest

Depression: feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

de·spond·en·cy: a state of low spirits caused by loss of hope or courage.

Spirit: the nonphysical part of a person which is the seat of emotions and character; the soul.

Learn where your energy goes, make sure that what you feel will always remain true to who you are. Fight for the people that will fight for you. Fight for the people that need help in fighting. I see a world that is lost. I bet there are others in this world that feel the same.

it’s been four years, it’s been a long journey of soul searching and I still find a big void, where happiness once was. What I used to like I don’t like anymore. Happiness does start from the inside, my inside also turned their back on me.

Narcissism, Self-centered, Fraud, Fake.

Label me. I don’t really care anymore.

Speak opened minded, self-reflect on your own self. No one can save somebody that doesn’t want to save themselves.

Dear people, I don’t know who this will reach, I hope it reaches somebody that needs it the most.  We are all going through something in Life. I want to first thank the people who believed me in and I let them down.

Deep down somewhere in my heart lays a compassionate soul. There are many different layers under the surface of my being.

I am grateful enough to be where I am now. I have one of the best families in the world and it’s time I start doing for them what they did for me.

Sometimes Parents can be confusing, they don’t listen, they try and discipline you, ten years too late. They always have their best intentions at heart. Somewhere in life, we get hurt mentally, and then we stop growing emotionally.

Hurting doesn’t need to be forever, hurting stop when you figure out that sometimes, we need to self-reflect on what really matters.

Self-reflecting isn’t always blaming yourself, it’s accepting that you are human, it’s telling yourself that nothing in the past will define who you are today.

I try and talk about being yourself, We are all one race at the end of the day separated by religion and dumb politics, we are divided. Seeing end of life makes you not be able to see current life at times.

I am good where I am right now. What I don’t understand is someone who is positive 24/7, find me a person that is happy all year round. I’ll find you a million who aren’t. I give credit to those who mask their pain. Life is all pain. We one day will die, our energy will never die but we will. Masking is like trying to dry a surface with wet paper, it will just make everything messier.

BTW I am not the best writer, I am good at expressing myself. I’ll make it one day.

ps. Introduce yourself, I would love to get to know you guys.

Double sided conversation.

Knock knock!

Who’s there ?

Me.

Me, who?

It’s me, you. The person that has been with you for the last 27 years of your life. Can you let me in?

No.

What do you mean no?

I said NO!!

Why do you always do this?

Do what?

This.

Can you just leave me alone?

No, I can’t leave you alone. I let you be for a little while and now it’s time to man up and get your shit together.

What do you mean by get my shit together? I have it together.

You do?

Yes.

Can you explain to me how then do you have it together, if all you have been doing for the past three years is just waste our time. I get that people and experiences hurt you but you need to let that shit shape you instead. Let me tell you a story about yourself that no one will understand. You are different. In being different, that means you’re special, not everyone will get you, and not every needs to get you. You have everything and everyone around you to support you. Stop acting like a spoiled little child for once. I get that you went through a lot and I am not just saying that to make you feel better. I experienced it with you. I saw how hard you fought. You took over for a while, and now it’s my turn to take back who I am. There are parts of you love and some parts that are no longer needed. If you can find some moderation in your life, maybe, just maybe you will be okay.

Listen… stop thinking that you won this fight. I did.

We both did.

don’t count the days, make the days count

Manifest what you want out to the world.

A couple of years back I purposed to my fiancé. Impulsive but rational impulsive decision, here the thing I just got my clean bill of health and with that, I knew that death was near and that what I once lived for was now all put behind. Every year I would make a false promise or fake new years resolutions. Whether it was quitting smoking or losing weight. I would always fail because after Jan 1st my hope for change was gone because life started to become normal. One year, losing weight and quitting smoking came by force. It didn’t come by choice but came with the desire to live. One year, I wanted to quit so bad, and instead of doing it the normal way, the universe showed me that false promises get you nowhere. Lying to yourself gets you nowhere.

I remember my first ever new years back home from the hospital after I was given my clean bill of health. Extremely tired that night. I remember that night just like it was this year’s new years. I remember the jackpot of the mega millions was the largest ever. That day I had 20 dollars to my name and bought me 20 tickets. I knew that my chances were slim to none but I had a really real feeling for that quick minute. I tried for a second to plan out my life with all the money and what it would do for me. It made me want to push really hard to work for a future to payback the people that gave me everything. My first time ever really keeping a new years resolution tradition started 3 years ago.

In 2016 I almost lost that same very pretty green-eyed girl that I have plastered all over. In 2016 I learned that I took adverting of people that loved me. I was getting too comfortable living in the cancer stage that I never really saw tough love. This got really hard when I started seeing everyone as an enemy rather than a person that cares. When you come from a place of hurt and put out of your norm, you begin to experience things that make no sense to you. A perfect example is one summer, my family and I were driving up to the Poconos, but I was feeling so disconnected from the very people that sat with me by my bedside. I just felt so much hate and anger towards the smallest things. Also, in 2016, cancer wasn’t the problem anymore. That same year, I made a promise that in 2017, I would try and figure out all of my lost emotions. 2017 was probably my greatest year in just figuring out who I am as an adult, as a man. My whole life I was impulsive, but 2017 was impulse mixed with anger; leading to figuring out how to slow it down. Sometimes it takes breaking down to your core to reshape your whole perspective and realize that you’re the problem. The world won’t change for you, but you can change the world. I had dreams that were once valuable to me taken away and it brought me to an unknown world – the cancer world where I learned that everyone experiences similar things.

What ringing in this year taught me is that you don’t have to wait for a new year to start the “new me” mentality. When you wait for a certain date to take action, you’re setting yourself up for failure. This world’s rotation is what keeps you grounded, so you trying to stop that or change that just wouldn’t make any sense. I also just want to say embrace the people that love you and if they impacted you, make sure to tell them that. I have learned that time is very limited and cannot be reversed so really start implementing change now for that tomorrow may never come.

Rest In Peace Amanda, Jeremy