The Novel waiting to be read

Every person you meet is a novel. Some are difficult to read; others have pages ripped apart from past damage. Some even fabricated to fit a narrative that pertains to where they are now.

It’s been four years since I was cancer-free, today I shared it with people. There was a push back from within myself in fearing being judged. My cancer isn’t for anyone to understand; it is for me to have gratitude for life, and share a face that some people never get to see the winning side of cancer.

It was a blessing having a support system put into place. So many people fought to keep me alive. I don’t always show appreciation. I got lost in negative thinking. It’s hard when talking about the past. A big part of me understood what it was like going through everything. Don’t look to be understood; look to understand.

When I was battling cancer, my cousin died. His death was the first time I experience death after going through my cycle of destruction. I don’t want to get into too many details, and I finally understand what I didn’t want to be after seeing him die. I felt first hand his pain of being misunderstood, trying to be accepted by a society that would label him.

I am not making excuses for myself, nor am I justifying my action based on my experience. All I can speak of is that cancer wasn’t something easy it was a lot of numbing. I don’t know how I feel about still.

It’s been four long years, writing this now, I feel numb; there is nothing that the past can show me that I haven’t seen. If you are one of those people that tells someone to move past it you are better now, do me a favor think before you give advice. Feeling numb to something is okay.

When you become self-reflective on what made you the person you are today, where you go wrong is when you blame others for making you the way you are. You didn’t have a choice if you didn’t know any better. Just move past it and look for greater things. People you love will hurt you, and you will do the same that is all part of the process of self-discovery. You can go on living a life of never finding out who you are and die. Don’t die without realizing who you were and how this world will remember you.

Gas Lighting

I think too, deep. 

Emotions carry all this information that I try and understand over-analyzing my whole existence.

                                                        The intro

 Somewhere in life, we learn how to be who we are today. We compare who we are to the people that influenced us in our youth. I don’t want to get it depressing or get emotional about things because we all go through our problems. In general, we all faced one thing that made us who we are. Whether it was is our parents or our external family or our environment. We learned a lot of old habits of who we are today.

       post-Cancerous

Mental Health is key. We all suffer from it. We all have our ways of dealing with shit. We accept the love we think we deserve. We allow shit to stick when, in all reality, nothing makes sense. Everything that is happening is happening. This part of me is my logical side writing, the part that has zero emotions left to give. Emotionally drained from suppressing myself to make others happy. There are very few people I still feel for, my mom, my dad, my sisters, and this one other person we will remain nameless. Sometimes in life, we get lost we surround ourselves with people who feed into our ego. Who use and abuse us.

       pre-cancerous

Remember how I said we take the love we think we deserve? Regardless of how much love you give someone, they won’t know how to love you back. 

My logical side is telling me not to open up because I will be subjective to hurt. I will say it to it that I got this time won’t allow myself to worry anymore about what others are going to think of me. You acknowledge what you believe is right because what we believe is correct at the moment isn’t always right. If someone were to tell me that I would be where I was today ten years ago, I would say to them that they had no idea who I was. 

                                                      post-Cancerous

Who I am at twenty-nine is an unhealed man that didn’t know any better. There was this one person in my life. We will also leave them nameless. I looked up to this person, though they were the excellent people until one day I broke free of the Gas-lighting and started to feel me for a change. Start saying what does Mouhamad needs. This person didn’t like it that much, so ego-filled that they needed a reality check of their own. What I am trying to tell you is that some people are good at putting on this persona in saying that they are something that they are not. Learn how to trust your gut and tell yourself that it is okay not to be around people like that even if you love them. They don’t know what love is until either the person is dead or if that person wants nothing to do with them. They compete with themselves, always comparing what the other person has rather than focused on what makes them happy. 

                                       Pre-cancerous

I was looking up to people, rather than looking up to myself. I didn’t understand what it was like to be who I wanted to be, so I allowed other people the dictate my life. I Surrounded myself with people that matched my energy. They also didn’t know what it was like loving themselves; with sounding like a pessimist, I want to make it clear this is all self-realization. What is self-realization with actually doing things that will help benefit yourself?

The conclusion of this whole post is that understand yourself in learning how to accept all parts of you that need the attention of others gives it to yourself. Know that people will love you, and people will also hurt you. It’s how you react that makes you feel what you feel. Emotions repeat throughout life; you can suppress them to know that you are the only one that is in control of how you feel.

Dead Presidents

We worship dead people on paper. What if things were a little different. What if you started showing the world color to a colorless world. We are all trapped to something. Try and break free of what life throws at you. I wish you could see what it is like knowing what it is to die without really dying. Would you really think that life is more than what life really is?

I don’t preach, I speak, I don’t want you to know anything other than the self-love that you need to grow. Self= You love= you. Self-love is what life is all about.

Some of us become our parents growing up to only make our kids which is the cycle that never ends, unless becoming that change to that parent you needed when you were a kid.

I don’t need fixing, you don’t need fixing. We all need happiness and happiness starts with accepting what life is. Walk away from toxic things in life, become more than what you were yesterday. People will never understand you and at the end of the day, you don’t need to be understood. You need to understand yourself.

Take what you need from this or take nothing at all.

Four Years later a New outlook

We live in a world that is separated, divided, and, most importantly, depressed. Everyone is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Ever since I can remember, I have always been the outcast. There’s nothing wrong with being the outcast.

During my darkest moments, only a few people shined while others simply pretended to be there. The ones that shined have a special place in my heart. 

You see, I don’t have a problem in expressing who I am. I have nothing I want to show off to the material world. Even though “material” may be good at times, “material” isn’t what life is all about. 

My twenties were nice until I needed to wake up really fast and bring out every part of me to a game I wasn’t ready to play. We don’t fight wars alone. During war, each solider doesn’t need to agree with one another. In the real world, they need to compromise and destroy the enemy — that enemy, for me, was cancer.  

As time healed them in their own ways, it never really healed me. I saw the world for something else while my family remained stuck in their own war. What I mean is, they went back to what they knew this world as before. Them seeing me healthy was all they wanted. Was I really healthy though? I was healed, but FAR FROM HEALTHY. I’m still trying to figure out who this person was and is, and what to do with this new chance that I was given.

When a war ends, trauma begins. Sometimes, we get lost in winning the battle & we forget what we are fighting for.

What I fight for is a better life for me and my army, regardless of who doesn’t see the bigger picture. It’s my picture. 

As a previously sick person, I know the only thing a person wants when they are sick is to be healthy. 

I have a vision for what I want my life to become. It isn’t always easy for me to express myself. The best way I know how is to write. I love being able to just sit there and write, take pictures, and record videos. 

I remember the time I applied to radiography school. I wanted to become an X-Ray tech to help others. X-Rays saved my life, so I thought it would be a good way to help others in their recovery and give back. It was one of the worst things I could’ve done. I was trying to be Superman in a world that didn’t need it. A system where people take it as a paycheck and see each person as an RN number, I definitely wasn’t emotionally ready for that. Staff didn’t like my approach and told me that I had to remember to be a student, even though their techs were being very unethical at times. I learned that some things need to be kept unsaid for protecting your own sanity. There are a lot of sick people out there and when I say sick, I don’t mean physically — I mean mentally. They have their priorities all fucked up.

Opening up to others about something they will never understand is like trying to make a circle fit in a square… I don’t know where I came up with that, but that’s just how my brain operates. 

I smoked weed in my recovery. It took me 25 years of my life to do any kind of drug. Even writing this sentence makes me feel like I am committing a guilty act. I don’t understand why some people can’t just accept the fact that we are living in a new time… where there are other ways of healing, other than the traditional ones. I see my father with all his pills and just tell myself if only he could change his viewpoint and stop taking this poison. I feel like he’d be much healthier and happier.

Smoking, for me, turned into numbing and numbing made me stop caring. I talk a lot about people and how people live. I am not saying that I am better than other people. I have just been through a different experience. I’ve never dwelled on my misery of having cancer. Instead, I try to dwell on the knowledge to only notice that the knowledge I gained gave me a new insight on what life is.

I am not a scientist; I don’t know why some people die from cancer and others survive. However, I do know what I went through to not die. God didn’t save me; God could’ve saved a lot more people that deserved to be saved. The way we think, we become. 

I am in tune with the thing inside me… the thing that beats, that keeps me alive – my “heart.” The same heart that feels the pain of others, wanting to see them do better and not feed into hate. I also have a very powerful brain, a brain that thinks off logic rather than follows a trend. I still am a person, though, and I still have temptation just like the rest of the world. I need to feel grounded. If I don’t, then that means I am not human. So save me your perfect happily-ever-after for someone else.

Dark times pass

Today is February 12th everything on the top was when I was in a different state of mind. Today mark’s my four-year anniversary since I was diagnosed with brain cancer. I just want to thank My team. Today is also my dad birthday. 4 years ago today, we celebrated his birthday by finding out what was wrong with me. Even after finding out it was cancer, you remained thankful that I was still alive. You didn’t care about what cake or present you were going to get that night but more so if I was going to be okay. Last night, I tried to envision a world without you, and just couldn’t. I love you Dad .. really thankful that I have you around still and need to learn how to appreciate you a lot more because one day, I am no longer going to be able to just say hey Dad. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABA!!

Breaking up, moving on

It’s not you that I hold onto. I don’t even miss you. I wrote about you before and felt completely empowered. Been checking up on you every now and then, you still never showed up. I can say that you standing me up has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. At times, I miss you. At times, I ask myself how did you fuck me up so much and just leave. Thinking I was going to be okay, just like that.
The voice you gave me made me feel like a complete idiot around a bunch of people that never understood you. What you are to me is something special, you have a special place in my heart. Even though we are no longer together, I still love you for all the things you taught me. I still fucking hate you for all the deaths you have caused.
People fear you, I did at one point thats why I held you so close. The more I spoke about you, the more I looked like an idiot. People telling me to move past it but little did they know I was trying… I failed. In failing, you are becoming more of a faded memory.
Time heals… others forget you. I only remember you more deeply. With you, life was like me trying to survive. Without you, life is where I am.
You made me lost in the way I think. From time to time, I try and remember how strong I was with you. Without you, I don’t have a excuse to fight.
Fighting with you isn’t a war. Forgetting you wasn’t always easy. You left a toxic taste in my mouth. As years go by, I tell myself that I am better. I am not though. I don’t really care about what I used to care about while I was with you. My parents don’t even care about you anymore. Everyone wants to forget you and tell me to move on. HOW? WHERE? I get that life without you is better.

This time of year gets hard from time to time. You become real and it’s like I can still feel your touch. The cold weather here reminds me of your coldness. I turned cold for a bit. It’s like the more I get ignored, the more I want to remember you. This feeling makes me feel like you are in all when you are nothing more than just something that most fear.

Remember how much you loved me that you almost tried killing me? Those were the days where I was my strongest. You made me lose sight in some ways. You were blinding me just like you were blinded in me. I really hope everyone you meet gives you the same treatment I gave you. Hopefully we’ll never meet again.

FUCK YOU, Thank you Cancer.

Sincerely, Mouhamad Beydoun

HEART AND BRAIN

Life. We all have it, we all experience it differently.

I wanted to touch base on something that my experience taught me.

The heart and brain will never be one. They are not friends and will never be friends. My heart is depressed and my brain is overloaded with information.

Not all are equal, just like the heart is not equal to the brain. The brain fights for survival and logics. The heart fights for compassion, and fairness. We are loving beings at the end of the day.

What is the true meaning to life? I don’t think anyone knows. I don’t know much. I can’t even tell you what I want to do from this point out. I can tell you, though, that a smile is better than a frown.

A child is pure. A child doesn’t know what lies are. They are usually heartfelt and don’t understand what life is. Life is their playground until one day, someone shuts them up. Their brain registers a protection mechanism.

Life isn’t always rainbows and unfortunately, one day we grow old. Stupidity sells. . That has nothing to do with the heart. The heart feels, yet the brain is more logical. The heart knows it never dies, but the brain is aware. The internal battle we all face on a daily basis comes from the heart and the brain always fighting and coming into conflict with one another. They are never at peace.

Learn how to build boundaries around a broken heart.

Broken can be healed. Life isn’t always as it seems. What is right for us here isn’t always right for some one else far away. This world is separated. People are divided. There is a lot of real life issue that we face on a day to day basis. We get blinded in not wanting to feel anymore. We can’t always express ourselves because when we do, we get shut down.

Life is a blessing, a gift, a lesson to self reflect on what it is that makes your heart sing. Do something you love and the rest will follow. Don’t look into the bullshit.

All this comes from my own personal experience; none of this comes from me studying or doing anything other than living. We are all different, we are all one for one. We all have some sort of gift that this world needs to see. Don’t be afraid to shine your inner light. That’s what should shine in your darkest moments. I used to feel anger on the inside at times. I used to lash out and all this fire inside was becoming worse then a desert fire. I didn’t understand that this fire also had its own light. This fire set up my biggest light – the light of self reflection.

Comparison Is the Thief

I don’t really know where this is going.

I just turned 28 years old a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I am 90 years old. The more I say this the more I feel so confused. Life is confusing. Maybe I am just confused. I know somewhere deep within lays happiness. Happiness isn’t there anymore.

Confused about where I want to take my story.

Maybe I feel guilty for not loving myself after cancer, Maybe I feel regret for not helping others with sharing the best side of me. Maybe I just reached my breaking point, maybe its just my breakthrough, God knows.

Three years ago on Halloween, was one of the scariest moments in my life.

I was driving them on the highway and thought about the feeling of how scared I was. I remember spending that night in the city seeing people celebrating happiness dressed up in the costume. Here I was going into one of the scariest wars I would ever face. I remember tears coming down my face not knowing there was this fighter I still haven’t met.  This inner fight is strong, extremely strong. He survived cancer.

I get deep sometimes that is one of my core beliefs. I want to ask questions and always want people to be themselves, the fighter part of me fights the real part of me so I get confused a lot in trying to become something that I am not.

We are living in a world where being, isn’t really being. We are becoming self-absorbed in hating and feeling so lost that we cannot see straight anymore. Labels get thrown at you for maturing faster than others.

I used to love. I kill what I love. I let people down and in letting people I kill myself.

I tried saving others to only give a false image of who I was. Living Life after cancer isn’t the same as living life with it.

our prime years we go out exploring, in your 20’s your supposed to find out who you are, I was figuring out how to survive. In figuring it out, I keep getting lost. A real compliment feels so fake, maybe because it’s because that how I view myself as fake. I need to start taking better care of myself.

I overthink everything. Let’s get this story right this time. I don’t think anyone would understand, I gave away to much of my story to things that didn’t matter. I am learning how not to overreact to the small things.

I may have said this before, but F it, I’ll say it again.