The broken butterfly

Clip wing she flew, crashed only to land where she needed to heal.
Healing felt like she was breaking every piece of who she was. Layer after layer, unmasking parts of her only to find that what she held was other’s opinions of who she needed to be. Each layer showed her a set of knowing who she is. The healed wing became the wing of a butterfly.

Dimmed Light

Balancing life isn’t always about putting the good before the bad. It is accepting both as one.

You will cross many people that will walk in and out of your life — some leaving you to bleed others that will heal you from past trauma.

Family, they are who they are, doesn’t mean you need to be part of a system that doesn’t serve your higher self. Life within itself has this limit that we put on ourselves. The need to want to control, the need wanting to be a positive impact on other’s lives or the need to simply be.

Being is just being not much more to it. A tree doesn’t need to show that it’s a tree.

To be enlightened doesn’t mean that you hold all the answers, you see a different world. It’s not always the real world. You don’t need always to be a positive light. Sometimes you will need to dim that light from within only to protect yourself.

Wasted Time

We get lost in the clutter of the world, forgetting that the beauty lives within us all. We come from nowhere to end up going back to the same place where we first started. Lack of expression leaves us with this built-up dead ball of enegery, leaving us to feel a sense of not belonging in a world built for us.

The heart will break, the mind will numb; the body will feel.

Energy in Motion

“Energy in motion or better yet emotion.”
The feeling is Numbness from pushing everyone away, creating a barrier around my soul.

I grew out my hair for about year, ended up cutting today. Usually, around November, I like to reset. Start back from scratch. There is this feeling that I typically feel right in the middle of my lungs and stomach this trapped feeling that I can’t express out. I know that someday I will be happy; I know eventually I will make it.
I am drawing blank empty. Some say never show people weakness because if you do, they will be turned off by you. They are thinking that you are not capable of being stable.

Numb. That is the feeling right now. It feels worse than the chemo killing cancer because this is cancer-treating cancer. We need to learn how to accept and understand one another with actions and with words. They say that actions speak louder than words. Well, words are the roots of one action. People try to be something that they are not. People try fitting into circles they don’t belong in; you start losing a sense of who they are. In losing a sense of who you are, you will get lost in a world that is here to give you answers to your wanted questions.

Never confine in people that treat hurt as hurt or have a vindictive personality. The ones that do stuff out of spite because they will end up doing the same to you when your relationship goes sour. I look for connections from people, trying to allow people into my life. They always seem to disappoint me. Maybe I disappoint myself in wanting more for me. I am far from perfect. I have my flaws, I do shit out of spite at times, but at least I am honest with myself in understanding the patterns that lead up to my actions. There is no right or wrong way to go about things. It’s always going to be your approach to your reaction to somebody else energy.

People claim they are a believer in god or believer in the universe but only do that to cover up this false idea of not understanding nothing matter.

The only thing that matters in this vast space is that there is a sense of humanity. Learning how to love is hard when others have zero lack of understanding and only understand the self.

When you start to accept anything less than what you give, you lower yourself to that person’s level.

Self Blame

Move past the notion that fairytales exist. They don’t within itself is just an illusion waiting for the magician or so-called god to relieve itself.
I am just here to entrain the notion that there is what man calls self. There is a lot of things that we feel. We act on emotion rather than action.
Best believe both are as equally important when dealing with understanding yourself.
See patterns in people that you see within yourself. Don’t blame those patterns onto them. Blame yourself for not breaking free out of those patterns that became the prison bars to your life,
Setting yourself free isn’t something that one can do in relying on others for information. It understands that you are in control of how you feel, regardless of how spiteful or hurt the other person is going through.
Some people act out the pureness of spite not to make you feel like shit about yourself but to relate to their self misery. Laugh it up at the end of the day we all face this thing called death and that when we start to live. We hold true what will disappear in time, and we hold time like it’s never going to run out. We are all running out of it. Don’t take another second for granted and start to understand what others do or say to you isn’t about you.

The Novel waiting to be read

Every person you meet is a novel. Some are difficult to read; others have pages ripped apart from past damage. Some even fabricated to fit a narrative that pertains to where they are now.

It’s been four years since I was cancer-free, today I shared it with people. There was a push back from within myself in fearing being judged. My cancer isn’t for anyone to understand; it is for me to have gratitude for life, and share a face that some people never get to see the winning side of cancer.

It was a blessing having a support system put into place. So many people fought to keep me alive. I don’t always show appreciation. I got lost in negative thinking. It’s hard when talking about the past. A big part of me understood what it was like going through everything. Don’t look to be understood; look to understand.

When I was battling cancer, my cousin died. His death was the first time I experience death after going through my cycle of destruction. I don’t want to get into too many details, and I finally understand what I didn’t want to be after seeing him die. I felt first hand his pain of being misunderstood, trying to be accepted by a society that would label him.

I am not making excuses for myself, nor am I justifying my action based on my experience. All I can speak of is that cancer wasn’t something easy it was a lot of numbing. I don’t know how I feel about still.

It’s been four long years, writing this now, I feel numb; there is nothing that the past can show me that I haven’t seen. If you are one of those people that tells someone to move past it you are better now, do me a favor think before you give advice. Feeling numb to something is okay.

When you become self-reflective on what made you the person you are today, where you go wrong is when you blame others for making you the way you are. You didn’t have a choice if you didn’t know any better. Just move past it and look for greater things. People you love will hurt you, and you will do the same that is all part of the process of self-discovery. You can go on living a life of never finding out who you are and die. Don’t die without realizing who you were and how this world will remember you.

Gas Lighting

I think too, deep. 

Emotions carry all this information that I try and understand over-analyzing my whole existence.

                                                        The intro

 Somewhere in life, we learn how to be who we are today. We compare who we are to the people that influenced us in our youth. I don’t want to get it depressing or get emotional about things because we all go through our problems. In general, we all faced one thing that made us who we are. Whether it was is our parents or our external family or our environment. We learned a lot of old habits of who we are today.

       post-Cancerous

Mental Health is key. We all suffer from it. We all have our ways of dealing with shit. We accept the love we think we deserve. We allow shit to stick when, in all reality, nothing makes sense. Everything that is happening is happening. This part of me is my logical side writing, the part that has zero emotions left to give. Emotionally drained from suppressing myself to make others happy. There are very few people I still feel for, my mom, my dad, my sisters, and this one other person we will remain nameless. Sometimes in life, we get lost we surround ourselves with people who feed into our ego. Who use and abuse us.

       pre-cancerous

Remember how I said we take the love we think we deserve? Regardless of how much love you give someone, they won’t know how to love you back. 

My logical side is telling me not to open up because I will be subjective to hurt. I will say it to it that I got this time won’t allow myself to worry anymore about what others are going to think of me. You acknowledge what you believe is right because what we believe is correct at the moment isn’t always right. If someone were to tell me that I would be where I was today ten years ago, I would say to them that they had no idea who I was. 

                                                      post-Cancerous

Who I am at twenty-nine is an unhealed man that didn’t know any better. There was this one person in my life. We will also leave them nameless. I looked up to this person, though they were the excellent people until one day I broke free of the Gas-lighting and started to feel me for a change. Start saying what does Mouhamad needs. This person didn’t like it that much, so ego-filled that they needed a reality check of their own. What I am trying to tell you is that some people are good at putting on this persona in saying that they are something that they are not. Learn how to trust your gut and tell yourself that it is okay not to be around people like that even if you love them. They don’t know what love is until either the person is dead or if that person wants nothing to do with them. They compete with themselves, always comparing what the other person has rather than focused on what makes them happy. 

                                       Pre-cancerous

I was looking up to people, rather than looking up to myself. I didn’t understand what it was like to be who I wanted to be, so I allowed other people the dictate my life. I Surrounded myself with people that matched my energy. They also didn’t know what it was like loving themselves; with sounding like a pessimist, I want to make it clear this is all self-realization. What is self-realization with actually doing things that will help benefit yourself?

The conclusion of this whole post is that understand yourself in learning how to accept all parts of you that need the attention of others gives it to yourself. Know that people will love you, and people will also hurt you. It’s how you react that makes you feel what you feel. Emotions repeat throughout life; you can suppress them to know that you are the only one that is in control of how you feel.